I can go days without thinking about what happened – the memories have dulled. It may be a cliche but it’s definitely true what they say about time being a great healer. I’ve been cancer free for 3 happy years and I try very hard not to dwell on those hideous months of 2017. Because..well..whats the point? It is what it is. Or should I now be saying it was what it was? Because surely it’s over now?
But there are still some life triggers which are certain to take me back there; checkups, scans, waiting for results, friends dealing with similar. The familiar, painful stomach knot returns and my mind wanders off into dark corridors. But these days I’m stronger and with a little effort I can find my way back from the murky corners of my mind and close down the negative thoughts.
Just for the record this blog post isn’t meant to be a pity party. I’m definitely not looking for sympathy. In fact I’m not even sad – I’m in a really good place right now. I can most definitely live with the occasional bout of anxiety. It keeps me grounded and grateful for every minute of every day and thankful that I’m now living a life that I wouldn’t dare hope for just over 3 years ago.
But you should know that, for me, it will probably never be over. I may be cancer free, but cancer will always be a part of who I am. The fear that my breast cancer will return is always lurking somewhere, waiting for a spark to give it life. And I can’t imagine there will be a time when it won’t be like that.
Today’s trigger was the arrival of my annual mammogram results. It’s good news and the relief is overwhelming. And I can close the lid on Pandora’s box again for now – until the next time.
So, for me, it is what it is – and I’m OK with that ♥️