There are so many emotions pulsing through my head and heart right now that it’s hard to really make sense of how I feel. But the major emotion bubbling up is one of overwhelming relief.
When the surgeon told us the news was excellent, that it was the best we could have hoped for, that chemotherapy had worked so brilliantly that it had left no microscopic trace of anything viable, that I’d had a complete pathological response to treatment, that I was cancer free even before surgery, I almost sobbed on him there and then. I didn’t, because that’s not my style, and I had a million questions I wanted to ask. Forever practical.
But as we left the hospital slightly dazed, it didn’t take long for the enotional knot to rise up from my stomach and take my breath. Ad held me while I sobbed. I was crying for myself and everything I’ve endured. For Ad who has constantly pushed his own fears aside in order to hold us all up and push me forward. Every. Single. Day. For our kids who’ve had to face their worst nightmares and yet still managed to amaze me with their strength and resilience. And for all those who haven’t been as lucky as I have. When I think back to early January, packing everything Christmasy away with tears rolling, wondering how Ad and the kids would cope if they had to unpack them this year without me, my heart breaks for those families who will have to endure exactly that.
But for me and those I love, that nagging fear is behind us now. Our wonderful NHS and my team of incredible consultants have given us our lives back. I can now look to the future without worrying I might not be part of it. It is, most definitely, time to celebrate.
My treatment plan remains the same – radiotherapy, Herceptin injections and medication will all help prevent a recurrence. A small part of me wishes we could stop all treatment right now because I’m tired and weary of it. But mostly I want to follow the plan through to the end, to know I’ve done absolutely everything I possibly can so that we never go through this hell again.
In other (less emotional!) news, my hair is growing back slowly but surely. But it’s grey. 😬👵🏻 Actually in places it’s pure white. Rest assured that the wig will be staying firmly in place until I can dye it. I’m not ready to go grey yet, regardless of how on trend it might be right now. It’s just not going to happen. I’ve also been warned it might grow back curly. It’s too short right now to really be able to tell but it’s looking dead straight to me.
I’ve also had my eyebrows tattooed which I totally love. I’ve hated dealing with the lack of eyebrows. It turns out I’m totally crap at drawing them on and it takes forever to get it right. The tattoos last for 2 years and my eyebrows will grow over the tattoo leaving a base which will make my brows look thicker, and a template to pluck around. Result! But, I have to say, it was massively painful. It took my breath away and made my eyes water, but it was worth every second of discomfort.
I’m also recovering well from surgery. I’m still a little sore and uncomfortable so not sleeping too well but I’m able to drive and I’m back at work so slowly getting back on my feet.
I feel I’ve been incredibly lucky throughout this ordeal. Every step of the way I’ve been blessed with positive results and way less pain and suffering than we imagined. I’m not saying it’s been easy – it’s been really tough at times. But we can now truly believe that the darkest moments are behind us.
Time to live.
So cheers everyone. And a big thank you to you all for helping me kick cancer’s ass 😊